Is Equality a realistic dream?

Many times in our everyday lives, we take the words we use, for granted. It doesn’t really matter if we do it consciously or not, if we meant to say things that way or not — when words get spoken, the listener is free to interpret them in the mode they want. That makes it imperative for us to use the right words every single time, offering little or no opportunities for misinterpretation. Words evolve from thoughts and therefore, when the latter gets fixed, the former gets fixed automatically.

Last morning, we had an eye-opening session on “Inclusive Language” presented at TrusTrace by my good friend and colleague, Dinesh. A variety of topics were covered but I wanted to focus on a problem that is so prevalent in our society — Gender Equality, or the lack of it.

I have always been conscious about not using terms that focus on a section of crowd and ignoring another:

“Guys, can we do this today?”

“The supplier should be given access, so that he can add details”.

“This would need 10 Man-days of effort”

I have tried to make all my thoughts and actions free of gender-bias. However, there has been certain occasions when I haven’t been able to live up to this billing. One of them happened last week.

A friend of mine living in the US, during a chat, referred to one of his neighbours being a Table Tennis player who plays with his kids. In spite of being a big advocate of female athletes, in spite of being part of a Table Tennis club which comprises of a equal number of boys and girls, I didn’t straightaway think that the player being referred to by my friend could be a female player. I said, “It will be good to learn from him, he can teach you some practical skills etc”. I felt ashamed when I realised the truth.

Culturally, we [at least in India] have been brought up with this notion that Men are supposed to go for work, while women are supposed to be home-makers. I have worked with a lot of great women colleagues, have reported to female managers who are remarkable people and strong characters — I’m sure the modern society wants a change of attitude. However, if we honestly ask ourselves if we have reached a stage where all of us can be considered equal, the answer will be — “not to a great extent”. Most of our Mothers do not believe their sons can help their wives with cooking, cleansing vessels, doing house chores etc. I believed in that as well for a while, but I can proudly and thankfully say, I have changed for good — or have at least tried hard to.

Movies will be movies and you cannot always directly connect them to real life — but there are exceptions. The recent Hindi movie named “Thappad” conveys a massive message to every married man belonging to the conservative society. The wife being taken for granted, though should have never happened, should be a thing of the past. Self-respect is the same for everyone. I don’t want to end up narrating the movie here, watch it when you get a chance and you can possibly relate to what is being said in this passage.

Likewise, the rules we set for discipline — in terms of habits, way of dressing and lifestyle — they vary between men and women. Equality and Freedom do not mean when men drink, women also can. The true meaning is, if it is harmful for someone, it is harmful for everyone — regardless of the gender. As long we don’t realise the effects these habits have are the same for every individual and their families, we cannot claim ourselves to be advocates of Equality.

Similarly, the painstaking procedures a bride’s family goes through during typical Indian weddings should change. I am not even referring to dowry. The bride’s parents, siblings and relatives are usually kept on their toes until the wedding gets over — and afterwards till life ends. Let’s ignore the exceptions here. Let go the usual excuse “I’m against Dowry, but I don’t have a choice, since my parents demand”. Start overriding them with courage, if you want to make a difference. Dowry is just one aspect, there are a lot of other little things where women, their views, their freedom, their dreams and their rights are taken for granted. A lot of men need to amend their state of mind to be more accommodating and start trusting the fact, “Equality is possible and Equality is happiness”.

When someone says “I need to go home now, my cook will be coming”. If you have to imagine the gender of the cook referred to here, 9 out of 10 times it would be female.

When someone says “The sub-inspector has asked me to visit the Commissioner’s office today”. If you have to imagine the gender of the sub-inspector referred to here, 9 out of 10 times it would be male.

When someone says “Both my kids represent their respective School Cricket teams”. If we have to imagine the gender of the cricketers referred to here, 9 out of 10 times it would be boys.

These things have to change. Only when we learn to visualise in an unbiased manner, Equality gets a meaning — else it exists only in the books. Having a strong focus on the language we use, can be a good beginning. Setting our thoughts right consciously, can be a useful prelude to that. The cultural baggage we have carried for a long while needs to be placed aside. Change is the only constant and let’s embrace the challenge it brings.